原来我误会了过去 其实我不懂得爱情

我们家阿京的新歌~

i think that its worth the wait. for i profess my undying love and admiration for you. i'll always remember how you were there for me when i was down, especially your music. cant wait for your third album!^^

doing up my ppt slides now... ohyes. this photo was ages ago. but feel like posting. felt so bad for not being able to go amanda's birthday surprise. but what to do. leader's commitment. haha. so i was the hell thinking, what would i do without them? CSC CLE is like a big family. i used to remember surviving on WP. but now. seniors graduate, things change. so sometimes im really grateful to have them. #justsaying

today's training was one of the good old days feel. i mean its been really long since we joked like nobody's business. since we laughed so much. really. make me missed how much i loved having them around but no one can or no one is supposed to stay on something for too long. its just life.

and of course.. blog is for me to vent!! LOL. was busy.. having subcomm interviews now. and this time round. i really really doubt ur qualities. like truly doubt. i had always been doubting it. its just ther's no way for me to say anything. and i wouldnt want to voice out in case i make all of us feeling awkward.. no more poor thing than S who woke up so early and ended up sleeping so late  and sch's early for him. a bit xin teng for him but yea, he'll grow! to be a better person(:

missed 3 muskeeteers. and forgetful me suppose to pass J her birthday card but i didnt. cause i forgot to bring out. i had so much that i wanted to type. all the time but when it comes to typing. abit lost and stone and probably cause tired.anyway tmr meeting up with Alyssa, Carol and Kok. so. #notbad

now ah jing's new song is stucked in my head. OMO OMO OMO. <3

looking back, quite a blast isnt it? im glad in a way or another. no matter whose presence, no matter what happened. im grateful. because it was those little things that made me grew. that made me understand myself more and what i want. thanks for everything. 

A funny conversation in castle episode

Castle: How do you know when you are in love?

Beckett: When all the love songs all make sense

i guess all of us always need that someone whom we wish we could share everything with

Once in a blue moon?

想了想还是用华文比较贴切 至少我能表达我想说的东西

刚下很生气 很委屈 讲真的 我有时候根本不知道我的存在价值是什么 我还能忍受这一切的一切吗？还能忍受多久

没妈的孩子像根草 好想大笑 可能因为爸妈不在身边 所以觉得不公平。说真的 那些叛逆的孩子，他们至少有理由 有权利 去叛逆 有个合格的理由。但我却这种权利都没有。在家，我连生气的权利也没有。等等，这是我的家吗？

有时候很想你宁可对我刻薄一点 残忍一点 虐待我 也好。好过现在不上不下 好过现在你到处传自己对我多好 但我知道 不完全是

反正我现在好累好累 好想赶快搬出去 但真正能搬的出去吗？我在自欺欺人是吧？

好累好委屈只想脑死

Woken up by aunt to go to the market with her. you dont know how tired i was aft out for 12hours. you dont know i slept at 2am ytd night. chatting with 'once in a blue moon' and right now my cousin is still sleeping soundly. i dont get it why my cousin dont get what i gotten. so im not a human eh?

literally feel like crying when i was woken up. you could at least told me the night before. you could. oh. i remembered i did told her. and she go: wake you up earlier still need to tell you?

unreasonable? YES. FUCKING YES. 

and met my ex tutor in market. she says my face says it all. and i shld do it willingly. i think if its other peope. i totally cannt imagine their reaction. oh definitely. if its parents here. i could totally say no and go back to sleep. unfair? TOTALLY. why? CAUSE IM NOT HUMAN. ONLY YOUR DAUGHTER IS.

strangely felt better aft talking with my ex tutor. not like she helped me mayb cause she understand abit of what im going through and i figure getting angry doesnt help much. listened to some songs to cool down. at least it worked.

elaborating more on the flagday event ytd. did i mention that a cute guy with a guitar approached me and gave soem donation? feels great lor pls. hahaha. and its really sad to see so so so many teenagers. just merely walking past me. avoiding me. or i was so intent with the observation of peopo that it amuses me, you can really differenciate the category of peopo. There's this group of peopo, who will just auto-ly take out their wallet to come to me to donate. You have peopo purposely walking away from me. Peopo who donated and dont wan sticker. it was fun in  a way. of course kena rejected is no fun. then again. flag day is such a boring and shitty job. to be honest.

but wahtever is is, glad that i helped the disabled out! (:

and now. this kpk really damn big. everytime we meet or chat, i will sure blog one, rub that smirk off you face! HAHA! i think as i get older. im getting naggier. but i kinda wanted to just present to you one short paragraph. although the fb chat was totally . totally said out what i wanted to say

it really has been nice knowing you. thanks for the chat. but since things have alrd come to this stage. Time will heal. really. and instead of focusing on what you have lost. you should be thankful for what you have, mayb passerby like me in your life dont really have much rights to say such stuffs. but offering a piece of advice wont hurt much i guess? remember that things happen for a reason and that things will always get better. It may seem worse off now but in future. it wont. and as you looked back. you'll realised what matters then dont matter now. Lastly, please take care and appreciate peopo arnd you. (not talking about myself but you shld know who they are)

SO, SHUANGZ HOR YOU. ZHUAN DAO ONE OF MY POST. i really didnt expect much of anyone reading this laopok blog of mine.moreever it was used to vent more than anything. but i couldnt really stopped blogging since p4? long history ohyea. hahah. anyway take care girl and next time can always still chat w me without motive one okie?hehe XDD

see blogging always makes me feel better. no matter if whatever i said is being passed on or not. crying is a form of expression. writing is too i guess. reading works for me too but i will be so absorbed in the world of the book. music is still da best.

i know i only need to keep telling myself that  things will always get better in future, it will all fall back into pieces. telling me my existance is for a cause. for a reason. and i know i just need to keep believing. no matter how small the ray of hope is.

#foreveralone

Had always wanted to find chance to upload this photo!! FINALLY!! oh this is C btw. i decided to name peopo with their initials! morecool + mysterious.okay .lame..

and so this was taken during the Hi Club OC. then on tuesday we went to eat sakae buffet!! actually we planned to study de but due to limited time so ended up didnt and i need to go back to school for training. so yepp. and the good mood lasted til wed. i think its been quite some time since i made a new friend? and her character really very interestinggggg. lol. #justsaying

and i feel so #foreveralone nowadays. peopo arnd me like all getting attached. i think that its a good thing but probably one of the reasons why i wont jio the person out again. cause it will be hard to do so. i guess??

that aside. i've been quite pleased with the tues and wed's trng attendance. REALLY REALLY DAMN GAN DONG. i emphasize. i dont need them to increase. it'll be good if its maintained. then next will have to look for peopo whom i can pass down to. at least pass down to decent peopo. and yr 3 i will still continue come training if i can.

i had previously wanted to try some sports cca but one of the freshies who joined the CCA told me its not fun. alright. i give up. stick to wp for 3years. FTW!! LOL.

and then.. the week was filled with trainings and aft sch go home week. with thursday celebrating my ogre's belated birthday and glad that i made the cards for them. of course choose close one den do la.. Certain point of time. i really do feel that giving is a form of happiness (Y)


chop chop gotta end this eyes wanna close but kpk and monster keep talking to me.lol. and i feel like lao-sai-ing. okkkayy. cause i just shitted this morning.hehhee. anyway today was another 12hours outside. im seriously getting old and cannt tank such long hours anymore. ohh. i didn flag day for handicapped welfare association. and it was rewarding when you have peopo coming up to you and telling you to have a good day or "god bless you" and u really can see there are still nice peopo on earth. really. and then had meeting before proceeding to training, bloody training, why leh? shaw edwin and farhan all injuried and got blood. first time so many casualties. and i missed flag days as red crosser. but i only went once. cause all other years i pon-ned. OOPS XDD

and trng today. J promised she would come and then she didnt. why wasnt i surprised? haha. i think im used to it alrd. last tiem i used to feel so super disappointed and then will msg her or sth. now.. haha. whats the point? its probably a good thing that my adaptability is so highhhh.lol. okay la at least she texted me today.somehow.

okay quit whining-.-

im really sorry guys, the eyes really cannt tank. good night!!

Happy birthday-belated

HAPPY 18th birthdayyyyy stupid girl!! big elephant and so we had a mini celebration for her.involving sencai. dun ask me how and why. he just approached me. but well. at least min got surprisedddd.

and i was so damn happy the whole night cause tat korean restaurant practically played all kpop song with big projector somemoreeee & good for eyes and ears!!

 now im craving for korean bbq. damnnnnnnnn

 oh i had like 2 ulcers on my mouth now cannt tank. very gao wek+pain. cannt eat cannt brush teeth properly. its not my first time getting ulcers but my first time getting two at such awkward places-.-

 sidetrack abit. i finished 3 birthday cards today. so proud. its good that i chiong-ed finish running man. i feel moer productive now. and idky whats wrong w funshion. dont let me watch TVD ep 21 ):

 the past few weeks. still busy with wp. and i think for the rest of the sem. same thing just gonna happen. of coz celebrated shaw farhan and etc's birthday. -LIKE ALOT OF PEOPO BIRTHDAY-.- another one having one on 9th. aiyooooo-.-

 so basically last fri went to hi! club(hearing impaired club) opening ceremony. dere i chanced upon alumni who is quite cute.sianz. i shld totally have jumped to hi club lor. that aside. pei-ed carinn la. actually quite fun having her around. and cant wait for tmr!!:D

 and this week another busy week. please please let me have some more time. actually i keep finding a time to let myself nua and rest. really just a day and i'll be so thankful. i also seriously dunno wats wrong with me. usually. i'll be so glad running around. being so so so so busy. but as one gets older. the stamina drops? i really liked to nua(like how i did in bali) and then just slack. lepak lor. i dont even have time for avengers!! )): and exercise which im suppose to start this week, irritating

 oh, book haven finish reading-.-

 my sense of personal space also very domineering. now that i sleep with my cousin . having her around the room is pure. annoying.

 whatever it is. i hope things changes for the better as i grow up. cant wait to march under the road of independence. muahhahahahahaahahah.

literally nonsense

OH YESH. IM IN A FUCKING ANGRY MODE NOW. BECAUSE I FELT SO WRONGED. WRONGED FOR STAYING OUT LATE. WRONGED. AUNT JUST GOT BACK FROM HOMETOWN AND ALL SHE DID WAS TO SCOLD ME. SO DO U THAT TO UR FUCKING DAUGHTER?

#THEIRONY.

JUST BECAUSE I HAVE MORE LIFE THAN YOU. THEN YOU DO THIS TO ME. I STAY AT HOME LONG HOURS USE COMP. TIO NAG. I GO OUT LATE. TIO NAG. THEN WHAT?! SO WHAT IF MY COUSIN'S SICK? STAY AT HOME LOOK AFTER HER. WAIT LONG.

Now that im in this mood. i have absolutely no mood to do anything except to just get angry. altho it will age the body health and mind. but really cannt tank. but do feel better after blogging. i mean i did whatever i could. i worked on saturdays to help provide for the family. i dont even have a proper rest time. den all you gave me was this shit. then this irritating cousin who is less bit of not even close to being understanding. so which part of my life is good and perfect? yea. mayb when im with my friends. which is why friends always had this important position in me. in fact. it was cause of them i survived.

my ex tutor once told me that if angry. just go sleep. i do feel like sleeping now but must wait til my hair is dry. yea. if u asked what i did today. it was a tough day. woke up to dad's 2missed calls asking me to bring over a large philips blender. and in order to save money. i took a one and half h bus ride carrying a 6kg blender which it could topple up on me. then accompanied my dad to the airport before leaving to do things for my friend. yea and this is what i get.

HELL YEAH. FUCK YEAH LIFE.

busying with wp stuffs doesnt help. and probably one of the many FUCKING reasons why i dont like to organise outings or events stuffs. it just made everything even more troublesome. swear to myself last time im organising things anymore. not happy just lose it then\

felt really alot better now.

I KIND OF HAVE ENOUGH OF THIS SUCKY LIFE. WHEN CAN I REALLY BE INDEPENDENT?SIGH.

wheelpower

wow... blogger changed its functions and now looked weird to type in a new template but whatverrrr. let me update you guys whats being going on in my life.

 What else except wheelpower righttt? had our orientation ytd with a 20+ peopo attendance, im being hopeful that they will stay and forgetful me forgot to bring my camera. how to create future memories without cameras? without pictures? and recently. i kinda sorted it all out. i feel that even with the year3s graduated and seniors leaving us. i still feel happy and glad. that at least i was part of their memory and they formed part of mine. so for now. just concentrate on what i have and bring wheelpower to greater heights! i definitely dun wan it to ruin under my hands! (:

 JIAYOU JIAYOU. 

 also recently.i found out that im actually different from typical cancer. whereby they say certain horoscope is like this and like that. i found out that im actually not the general cancers. #JUSTSAYING

 so, sch's been out for 2 weeks. and for the past week i had been busy with CCA fiesta. returning at almost 11pm daily til wed. but the day's been lighten with the presence of my cute little CSC peeps. aiyo what to do. its a joy to be with them! :D

 and then as usual. with the free times. i just squeeze in everything i could. not letting myself get much of rest. ohya. i realised its true. that most of the time is the others jio me out and not i jio others. im such a homer. hehehehehe. i just wanna add on how much i love my family actually despite whatever i needed to do and stuffs. coz it was them that made out of what i am. im proud and glad to say im one of them, despite being my busiest moment, i still need to do housework. i still need to help aunt make overseas call. i still need to book air tix and boat tix. its just cause they needed me and of coz partly cause they are illiterate. and my theory proves me right. that being acceptance of something, it will be less painful to do it. BUT still hate it if my uncle nags. like kpkb like no tmr.. sigh

 Let's talk about sch, the week was okay. the past two weeks in fact. i was hoping i could be more focused. i saw dajie the other day and she's mugging. wtf and i had been busy preparing for my cca stuffs. sian ji pua. some lecturers are quite interesting and funny actually. AUTOCAD was the torture. 4h of practical staring at lappie teaching u how to use the functions. #candie. btw autocad is computer aided design. and of course, there's marketing and SPA. ya SPA. actually lecturer is fun so i dun mind?

 spa lecturer: "i always believe that life is unfair" 
looks at his skin* and say "thats why im unfair"

 WAHLAUZ I SWEAR SI BEH LAME LORRRRRRRR ._.

timetable was okay except. mon and fri. 9-6pm with one h break. i could totally whine the whole day about it. anyway upcoming there's adidas warehouse sale. i wanna get the adidas jackettt. then can throw away my old old grey jacket i've been wearing since p5(yes my body nv grow dao T_T)

 and tmr i have blood donation drive duty. hope i can donate blood!! bye bye gtg. and i need alot of improvements in my wheelchairr manouevering skills manz!

what's life without memories?

Ever since i've watched the vow, i cant help but thinking what happens if i lost my memory? if i lost all my memory? wouldnt it be sad? life would be meaningless without memories.

yesteday's trng set my mind clear about wheelpower. i thot i liked the CCA, the sports more than anything. but to be factual, its the peopo that i loved more. something just feel odd without the year3s. and the possibility of eliza's not coming for future trainings.sianz.

and yeapp. been trying to plan something for shaw's birthday. lucky got jo to help me! lets hope something good comes out of it. haha.

bet u guys cant believe i spent last day of hols at home, doing housework. for 8hours. it was good. i mean. i needed to stay at home, and probably do some spring cleaning, only i cant solely do it to my room. i was sweeping and mopping the whole house uh. + ironing, so in another words. i need another day to do the cleaning up.

i did some sorting of photos. ever since i reformatted my comp, i was so so so lazy to download pics anymore. i always keep them for memory sake and bad news is. the last year's 4/2 class chalet's photos are lost-.- nvm. but the main point is. looking at those photos. i really missed those fun we had. its not like i dont have fun anymore. the feeling's just different.

like the recent 4/2 gathering. felt.i dno. to be factual. we dont have anything to talk to each other about except the good old days isnt it? it came to a point and me thinkinng. in the future, who would i be with? i mean doesnt conversation and everything ends? in another words. drifting. that sucks.

so i also need another day to clear my songs list. so many many songs i downloaded. decided to delete some. cause no point having so many songs.

since sch is starting tmr, gotta sleep early tonight, but actually im sleeping at normal time.just feel sianz. like the holidays were not enough at all. like i didnt spend them wisely. but whatever. each sem is a new start. i can only tell myself to keep improving. to keep doing well. actually excited for my IS class, the intro to social pyschology. but i kinda hope its not some shitty content they teaching.

and straight 3days of CCA fiesta. hoping to recruit more juniors. judging at our training's attendance. just spell horrid.

okay the eyelids like wanna close alrd. goodnite !

past caring

i just.. dont feel like doing anything now except settling my room. my relatives and [parents came and its in a mess. YET i cant seem to find any time to clean or pack it. i get so irritated

and i dont wanna care about anymore outings or birthday celebs. its like redundant. really. i mean its so hard to plan. so tough. why bother trying? call me failure. call me lazy. but nah i dont wanna care about it cause i dont wan

just having some mood swings now.i'll be fine

A Trip Down The Memory Lane

Oh yeapp. changed blogskin. purposely wanted to blog a long post but ended up changing blogskin. the old one was quite a bore. and ohyea. the above is my beloved grandpa. he took care of me when i was young and basically. my whole childhood life was with him til i moved to Singapore

how do i feel when i went back? i always have this mixed feeling of emotions, with nostalgic cause all the childhood memories will play right before me as i swept through all the places in indonesia. its been the same. 10years and no change.

to be awfully truthfully speaking. i had a confused stage whereby. i dont find myself belonging anywhere. i lived in singapore but im an indonesian.but when i go back. i find myself stuck speaking my mother tongue as i had not much knowledge about it at all. and there's a period of time whereby i hated singapore. i hated why i was here. but it all got pretty clear to me now that its all a phase.

i still prefer indo, for its slack lifestyle and food. but for whole my life i've been here. my friends are here. i'd probably say. its time to move on. cause if u asked me to go back, it will be kinda hard. thats all

so i had the most sumptuous meal ever when i got back. hehe. and this time round. qingming served another new purpose for me as i went to my grandparents tomb to pay respects and poking the tomb of their soil with pieces of paper. i dont tink i will get to see it here.

and one thing about indo is. it felt more like a family. everybody is just chatting away etc. not liek singapore. so cold. with four walls. #justsaying

went back to AMKSS for combined uniformed group ceremony and all i could say is. its time to move on. again. cause i feel so detached and not needed there. dont think im going back anymore after this sat's POP. i dont find the need to.

and ohyea. the moment i came back. kept calling peopo!! THINK i called those whom i missed. for idky either. i could have gone mad in either ways

whatever it is. im glad im back. working tomorrow so time to sleep! anneyong! :D

Joy

it's been a while since im this happy. maybe because of you, maybe because its been some time since i went for trngs. 3weeks was real long manz. and im so glad to see all of themmm. Even talked to Edwin about Jaesuk! roflol.

We are all really like a one big family . once. its not that its no longer there. its just situation changes, peopo changes, things changes. its kind of the only thing that stays constant, get it?

i forgot to mention i was so happy to see J today. long time since i see her and probably felt this way. Last 2 meetings was good. and i really appreciate all her efforts. im not kidding.

talked to F today. which is very long since things changes. it felt good. being truthful and honest. and we talked about almost everything. Most importanly, the leisure feeling. haha. and of course, we crapped. Sometimes all these little chats are stuffs thats gonna keep me going on in future. truly believed that. and all the views and opinions we exhanged. COOL STUFFS^^

Had a long meeting today. probably, i shld learn to be less judgemental. #justsaying

and the day before. outing with CLE peeps.i kind of agree with S whereby he mention how unique our clique is. How we managed to bond and get together so well in a 3D2N camp? i mean what did we even do? Power of Ps and VPs maybe? is that what u say? but for me, its more of like i can go crazy with them. let my hair down. just go hoohaa. and be myself. its really cool. way too cool. probably something that i didnt thot of i would be able to acquire. and really extremely grateful for it.

we watched hunger games. and i actually fell aslp at the front part whereby they were talking for probably 10min? so much for laughing at seniors for sleeping in cinema in the past! haha.. and hunger game was. SO-SO. i mean nothing much. really. yet this C girl. liked it so so so much

of course, someone i got to know during CLE camp. and i hope she dont read my blogs anymore after my first post. i just find her , unique. i kinda dunno how to say. but i enjoyed myself when im with her. can be cause she's funny as well. LOL. okay im not very clear with that. sua.

nevertheless. can finally nua tmr n fri. cant wait for sat's CLE meet-up again and trng at night. GOOD NITE WORLD!